Im lying here wide awake at 2am watching the minutes tick by thinking about everything which could possiably go wrong in my new job. Thinking of all the reasons I shouldn’t do it. I’m driving myself around the bend, getting all worked up and unreasonable about nothing. Why is it at night time your brain goes into over drive about eveything. I’m lying here awake while my partner is snoring….why am I not asleep. Why do I have this incredible ablity to freak out about everything.
Its my anxiety. I’m fine doing anything and I will do anything it’s just before hand I freak out and get really anxious. For me this happens for the most simple things in life. Like I get anxious crossing a road…’is the light still red, is that car going to stop, walk faster, move out of my way’ It’s just continuous. I am able to work through this and complete the task which I need to which I’m very greatful to be able to do. But my mind is forever second gussing me which is exhuating and frusting. I am forever feeling like I’m getting nowhere and in all fairness, I’m not. My days off are spent on the sofa watching nexflix so I can try to relax, when they should be spent preparing or volunteering to become a teacher. I get so anxious that I become stressed and then I become forgetful and forget what I’m meant to be doing and start worry about eveything eles. It’s exhausting and I’m exhausted.
I honestly just wish I would switch my brain off. Sometimes I feel so good about how far I have come, how good I feel. I practice mindfullness, I do yoga, I give out postive vibes, I’ve got my crystals and my books to help. And some day I just want to give up, I feel shit. I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to shower or talk to anyone. I feel like eveything I have done has been the wrong thing and I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and when I feel like this I feel guilty. I feel gulity becuase I do have a good life, I have friends family and a partner which loves me, I have my own place, I have a job. And I know there are people worse off than me. So I then get stressed about feeling down becuase I should be more greatful and then I get upset and cry and then my day off is ruin and I’ve officially achieved nothing.
I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. I just felt like I needed to write down how I felt before I exploited. So sorry if this has been a long rambling blog which doesn’t make sense, I just needed to let it out. I know in reality eveything will be and is okay, just right now I don’t feel okay. But that’s okay. I’m going to work on that and be kind to myself and do whats best for me.